May 17 2009
You Were Not Born To Be Your Child’s BFF
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| Show your children true love, give them structure and boundaries. |
There is not a parent alive who would not like to be able to say their child is happy with them and loves them all the time. In general who wouldn’t like to be able to say that everyone we deal with just thinks we are the bee’s knees? Reality check! You are not going to able to please everyone all of the time and this includes your children.
To a large extent it is when our children like us the least we are doing our best job parenting. Not letting them go to the unsupervised party, actually talking to their friends parents to make sure they are where they say they are, checking their homework, looking at their MySpace page, grounding them for curfew violations. During these times we are teaching our children accountability. Accountability is so important, especially in this day and age where instant gratification is deemed a necessity.
Parents who treat children as equals, their best friend, or a personal confidant are truly doing their child a disservice. As we are not our children’s peers, teaching and guiding them with our life experience and insight is crucial. Children will not get that from their peers, so if you are acting like one, who are they going to learn from?
Does that mean you do not have meaningful talks with them or share with them? Of course not. What it does mean is that you do not share your sex life with them, talk to them about all your problems (with a certain expectation they will somehow have answers), and start drinking, smoking or drugging with them (so you won’t have to do it alone). As blunt and appalling as this may seem to some, let’s not judge, just give guidance, support and hope to the parents that fall in this category.
Remember children will one day grow into adults who will appreciate your love, guidance, caring and structure. Once they become adults (around 25+ when you stop being wrong about everything) a new found friendship and respect will blossom and you will be able to revel in the fact you will always be their parent, but can now add the title of friend.
well said.
www.passiton.today.com
Hurray for sharing this very important lesson.
I’m with you on this one. Parenting doesn’t have “Friendship” in the definition. Our children have plenty of friends and just one set of parents.
The other day talking a little about this point a friend of mine said… “Well if you aren’t texting to your children, then how do you know what they are doing?” my answer was… “having dinner”.
For my family, dinner is the most important time of the day. They are the ones who get mad, if the phone rings or there is someone at the door, because someone is interrupting family time. And I do want to specify I have 3 boys 9, 10 and 16.
Dinner is where we all catch up on the day’s events. And we have fun. When people say that breaking bread is the most basic and important way of sharing it is absolutely true. Yet we have one on one time with each as much as possible.
Still, just like you said a household should have a set of rules that help them and guide them in their decisions when they aren’t with you. And for sure, they aren’t my friends either. They might know I have problems but I’m the adult in the house and they don’t have to solve them or even try and solve them; that’s my responsibility just like going to school is theirs.
I won’t even go into them being drinking buddies or smoking companions, never mind drugs. I want to help my children grow up to become happy, responsible, successful adults and I plan to be their parent even after I am dead. There will come a time when I won’t be “parenting” as much; I’ll be giving my advice. But for sure it won’t be before they themselves are adults.
Thank you passiton.today.com and xpressoutloud, for taking the time to comment. It’s great to see we non BFF parents are not the majority. I have been lucky and surround myself with good people, who take parenting seriously. Having 4 teenagers provides me the opportunity to mentor other kids as well, and it is amazing what some parents do or don’t do.
Over the years I have seen those same children come to resent their parents because they were not given what they truly wanted, unconditional love and structure.
I am so glad someone has the same feeling I do. My girlfriend thinks her daughter is her best friend. I have tried to talk to her, but she just thinks I don’t understand.
I am going to pass her your blog, you’ve got some great articles. Keep it up.
Angelina
Rock on! To the point, on target and compelling. I had one of those parents and you are right, I do resent him.
I never had anyone I could talk problems out with and actually get good advice. It’s taken me a long time to turn myself around, and grow up. I had to learn how to be an adult on my own, so it has taken me a while.
Thanks for trying to help me not make the same mistake with my kids.
Christopher
Christopher,
It is always nice to hear my writing is as on target as I feel it can be.
Even the best parents, in the best situations make mistakes. You mention him, your father? Ir sounds like you have kids, best thing you can do is stay on track, and do your best. Seek guidance on the lessons you were not taught. And remember you will make mistakes too, forgive yourself and forgive your father (if you haven’t already).
Just think of it as a new lesson to teach your kids. Congratulations on your fortitude for change and best wishes to you and your family. Hope you’ll visit the site again soon to let me know how I’m doing.
Angelina,
I hope this article will give you another tool to use in helping to guide your friend. I am sure it is frustrating, don’t give up on her.
If she can’t or won’t change and you really love her and her daughter, you could be the surrogate parent. Her daughter still needs parental guidance and input, you could be her saving grace.
But remember, even in the best of friendships there has to be a line. Bare minimum, her mother needs to step into a positive role.
Good Luck!
Christopher,
For years I resented my mother for not having been my friend. She was tough; she gave orders and no explanation. She would have rules that made no sense to me at first and then just gave the impression that she didn’t trust me or my judgment. This went on until I got married.
It wasn’t until I became a mother myself that I decided to take a good hard look at our relationship. She raised two (my brother and I) well educated, independent, responsible adults. I am who I am in part because of her. I used the tools she gave me.
So, I decided not to be my son’s friend either. A teacher once told me that my son was not a baby (he was just 18 months when she said this); he was a potential adult (meaning not all of the people out there are truly adults). And though it sounds kind of cold it’s the truth.
I wanted a good middle ground. Not to be the mother that my son couldn’t reach out to, but not to be his friend either. I think I have accomplished it. And yes, it’s a trial and error process sometimes but it‘s worth it.
I do hope that you find peace of mind regarding your father. But make sure that you don’t make his same mistakes or throw the balance the other way either.
Actually I think parenting is best when you strive for and acheive a balance between the two…. There is no harm in being your childs friend I know a few parents that do it quite successfully their children are their freinds they do not however drink, smoke, do drugs, party with their kids or let them do what-ever they want.
The Key for all of us I think is finding that balance you want your child to be open with you and share and if you are viewed as a dictator then the child might not feel the comfortable being open with you. Also if your child knows nothing of the troubles and hardships you face in your life how are they suppose learn how to solve theirs.
Shannonf,
I think this article speaks clearly of strucuture and guidance vs dictatorship. An open line of communication is a must! It appears to be what you are talking about. There need to be clear expectations on the child’s and parent’s behalf, which will ultimately aid in developing a great relationship. Without hitting the friend zone.
Once you hit the friend zone with your children there are things you can no longer do. Friends do not provide structure, guidance or consequences, but parents do.
This does not make a parent a dictator. Having an open line of communication is key in any relationship you have in your life. If your children think they are only your friends, who do they turn to for guidance. Your children will learn about life’s hardships by living them with you and seeing how you handle them, not by being expected to have the answers for you.
I believe you and I are speaking of a similiar situation, in different ways. It is difficult to believe you know many people who are their child’s “friend” and have happy well adjusted children, who become happy well adjusted adults. It just doesn’t go hand in hand. Even though they may not be doing all the bad things with them, being their friend one minute and suddenly switching the parent button on without the child being confused, doesn’t happen.
Well rounded relationships are key to every individuals happiness, especially when it comes to the parent-child dynamic.
-E